Starving Gaze
It was clear that judgement filled the air – almost suffocating it. I wasn’t entirely sure if the others on the bus knew each other or not, based on their collective gaze my way. My mind began to race, trying to rationalize what they could be seeing. Is it my hair? The way I’m dressed? Is there something in my teeth? Normally I was the people watcher with my camera and sketchbook at hand, but the lens was suddenly faced towards me and I wasn’t sure of the context.
The lady in red jumped out at me first; her piercing dark eyes that surely someone had fallen in love with only caused me more anxiety as I struggled to tear away from their grasp. Next to her was a large man who comfortably took up two seats and appeared to be sizing me up and down like I was his next meal. I turned my focus to the two kids sitting with their mother across the aisle. The younger boy was pointing and laughing while his older brother whispered something in their mother’s ear. I could tell it was about me; kids are the most honest creatures on Earth and I had to sit there like a caged animal for their amusement. The whole time, I couldn’t tell if the bus had even moved, but my world was spinning.
Although I could still feel their stares, I put my head down and sketched in my book. I drew harsh, scribbled lines controlled through my hand but led by my feelings, releasing all the anxiety and pain I felt. Then I closed my eyes and imagined beauty and positivity. I looked at those bold lines and saw images within them – elephants, flowers, and mythical creatures – all things I love… Then I looked up and everyone was gone; I was the last one on the bus.
I packed up my sketchbook and decided to sit where those strangers once sat, if only to perhaps imagine what they saw in me. Then I smiled, for right behind where I once was sitting was a large poster of a couple, half-naked in bed, eating what looked to be the most photoshopped burgers from McDonald’s I had ever seen. I chuckled, releasing the last bit of tension and doubt I held over myself and snapped a picture of where I once sat.
“I think I’ll call this one “Starving Gaze.”” I said to myself, as I looked back at my photograph, flicking the polaroid print between my fingers and climbed off the bus.
......
It was normally a half-hour walk from the last bus stop to my quaint apartment at the edge of town, but my sudden spark of self-motivation got me there just before 11pm.
“This is good; if I get to bed now, I won’t be too tired for the double-shift tomorrow…” I thought to myself, sincerely at first, then began to resent my excitement.
I climbed up the stairs, forgetting to refuel after another long day’s work, and rushed to the bedroom. Out of routine rather than thought, I pinned my latest photo “Starving Gaze” to my photography wall, adding to the collection of prints I had yet to share with anyone outside of these four white walls. I propped myself on the bed and stared at the collage for what seemed like an eternity. An overwhelming sense of emotions came over me as I relived memories through these photos, whether I was in them or not. I closed my eyes; moments passed by. I finally allowed myself to truly reflect on my life honestly and fairly.
“I’m not happy.” I admitted to myself for the first time out loud.
Without another thought, I packed up my bags and left a hastily-written note on the bed for whoever cared to read it. I blinked and was at the train station. I blinked again, and a kind man was helping me climb aboard, bags in hand.
“Where are you off to?” He asked with a warm smile.
“I’m going to find happiness,” I replied with a tone of certainty. “Have you found it yet?” I asked him.
He took a moment to himself; perhaps to reflect upon his life or just for dramatic effect…
“I find happiness in my mind – in myself.” He said, then continued to think. “I used to let the world get to me; there is always something that needs fixed, and it hurts when you can’t fix it. But you can always work on yourself first and the world will be that much better for it.”
His words spun in my head as I tried to make sense of it all. The words together made sense, but why couldn’t I think like that? I decided to share more about why I was here, despite barely knowing myself.
“I guess I quit my job today… I got caught up in what I had to do and not what I wanted to do, and now it’s all a blur… What do you do?” I asked him, fully intrigued in this man; for the first time noticing his strong build and tousled hair.
“Well, after learning how to help myself, I now help others – that’s what makes me happy.”
“He must be a therapist or a teacher,” I thought, “Maybe even a doctor.”
My eyes drifted to his clothes, which were roughly patched and noticeably dirty. I must have been staring a little too long because he then stood up, putting his large hand on my knee as a brace. I tried to withhold my disappointment from the thought of the conversation ending.
As he turned, he said, “I have to get going now, but it was lovely to meet you, smiley.”
I blinked, and a soft graze left my knee. I had momentarily forgotten about my wandering circumstance. Where should I go? I’m free to do whatever – be whatever – I want. I took a moment to look back at the man who inspired me; I hadn’t even caught his name. To my surprise, he was stopped at another seat and was speaking to an older woman. At this point, I wasn’t concerned about what was considered socially acceptable or not and decided to eavesdrop.
“And that’s why you don’t have to be afraid of the unknown. Let me know if you need anything else, young lady.” He said to her with that same warm smile, then continued his scenic walk down the cabin aisle, stopping by each passenger to exchange pleasantries and humbled wisdom.
As he finally reached the doorway, he gave the passengers a friendly salute, then proceeded to take the conductor’s hat off the coat rack and exit the cabin. I blinked and the next thing I knew, the train was rolling, and I was sunk back in my seat, comfortably pondering the map that was in front of my seat.
“I think I’ll travel and photograph the world,” I decided, thinking purely of what I wanted and what would have made me happy. “I just wish I had someone to share these upcoming adventures with…” I began to think, reflecting on the conductor and his refreshing zest for life.
I blinked, then twice more, and then once more again. When I opened my eyes, I was back in my bed with a half-written goodbye note in hand. Another hand met mine as a warm body rolled over next to me. It was the same large hands from the train.
The familiar voice said, “You fell asleep writing this note babe; talk to me. Are you unhappy? Let’s get away, together.”
I thought for a moment as I tried to collect my thoughts and grasp at the fading memories of the dream I thought was real.
“You were a train conductor… But you also helped people… The passengers. You helped me!” I said to my husband abruptly.
He chuckled, “You always have the weirdest dreams.”
I barely heard his laughter as my mind filled with disappointment.
“I thought I was free,” I thought to myself.
He sighed, “I know you’ve been wanting to get out of here… To start fresh. We should be happy and not waste another moment brooding over our lives!”
He looked at me with that warm, glowing smile that always made me believe anything was possible.
“You know what,” I exclaim, “Let’s do it!”
We both laughed in excitement and jumped on the beds like kids, hand in hand.
“Where do you want to go? What should we do?” I asked him eagerly.
He jumped off the bed and grabbed his world map from his bedside drawer.
“Close your eyes and point.” He said with a grin.
Having loved the idea, I took his hand in mine and said, “Let’s choose together.”
After a quick thumb wrestle and a good laugh, we conjoined our index fingers and hovered them above the sprawled out map. As we closed our eyes, the endless possibilities excited me; this was the escape I had been looking for to not only follow my passion of photography, but also come to find and truly love myself.
Our fingers began to fall, but then I paused and said, “Wait!”
He peaked one eye open to see if something was wrong.
“Before we go on this wild adventure,” I began as I tightened my grip, “I’m starving! Can we get McDonald’s?”
We both laughed in agreeance, more excited about the future than ever, and let our fingers land.
END.