Imaginative Self-Antagonism
Everyone knows that you are your own harshest critic, biggest obstacle, even largest threat. To succeed - whether your goal is to change the world, or simply manage to get out of bed today - you must overcome the voice(s) in your head. You know the voice; the self-loathing, yet sometimes narcissistic tone that makes you start your day off angry for no good reason. The world revolves around you, yet you have to go to work today or complete your mundane routine of tasks and chores despite this ego complaining that you deserve the day off. Because of this, your inner-circle, usually filled with those who care most about you, ends up in the cross-fire of your own imaginative self-antagonism. And when someone I love gets hurt by my own doing, that's when I really want to hate the enemy.
But what happens when you try to suppress these negative thoughts throughout the day, only for them to attack you in your sleep at night? Lately I've been bothered by how much I talk in my sleep. Sleep-walking is rare for me but when it does happen, my awakened self is traumatized and I don't remember what had really happened for half a decade or so. It's like my mind separates and has its own nightly expeditions without my core self. This is pretty unnerving, and doesn't help me from thinking that I really am my own enemy.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm subconsciously suppressing a part of me that is trying desperately to get out, but is held back by my outer-shell that I've molded over the years. Most of the time I'm quiet and shy, and my introverted-self is happy to be that way, avoiding human interaction at all costs. But other times I can get animated and loud, which surprises me because I thought I wasn't capable of being anything more than monotone... at least that's what people told me as a kid. I'm usually with my friends and family when this happens, and I don't feel that need to retreat into my personal bubble nearly as much. This sounds pretty normal, but why can't I want to be this way around other people? I know, I know. It's the introvert's life; admiring what seems to be the eclectic lifestyle of the extrovert all the while feeling guilty for liking the company of loneliness.
I know I'm not alone, but the grass always seems greener, doesn't it? All of this has come to mind as of late because of the inner-battle I've been facing for maybe almost two years of wanting to start streaming and YouTubing. The majority of my free time is spent ingesting my favourite creators' content and daydreaming about doing it myself. But it also terrifies me to think I could possibly become a focal point to so many different humans of the Internet who are free to judge, ridicule, and even love me. This dream I have threatens the safety net I have created for my introverted-self, but for some reason a part of me feels extraordinarily passionate towards it.
I'm the only thing holding myself back from exploring my aspirations, vanquishing my deepest fears, and allowing my full self to feel free and unrestrained. Maybe my restless sleeps are a sign that I need to listen more closely to what I truly want for myself, rather than living comfortably in my quiet bubble. It's either that, or I really do have other voices in my head; then it may not be self-antagonism after all. Either way, it's going to be a continuous battle within my over-active, over-imaginative brain, but as long as I allow "the other guy" to win once in a while, maybe I'll get some better sleep. Who knows, one day you might come across my streams online and we can celebrate my victory together!